Dumb Blonde
by bunnyb
Summary: *Finished!* A classic tale where a nasty killer is after our favorite elf. Does Legolas get scared? Naw, he wouldn't want to wrinkle his Gucci tunic. :)
1. Gucci Tunic

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. I am simply using (and debatably abusing) them for a little while. :)  
  
Additional Disclaimer: This plot belongs as much to me as it does to my sister, Pie, so I dedicate this to her, for, without her, it would not exist.  
  
A/N: I love Legolas just as much as the next girl, except maybe for Mandé, but it is quite amusing to portray him as a dumb blonde. You know it is.  
  
Dumb Blonde  
  
(Otherwise Known As: Middle Earth Meets Scream)  
  
Early one Friday morning in late June, the telephone began to ring in The Shire, in the living room of a small house known as Bag's End.  
  
"Hello?" asked Legolas, an elf with long, blonde hair.  
  
"Hello, Legolas," said the voice on the other end.  
  
"Hi!" said Legolas enthusiastically.  
  
"Are you alone in the house?" asked the voice.  
  
"Umm, like, no," said Legolas.  
  
"Do you want to die tonight, Legolas?"  
  
"Ummm, no?" he responded. "Like, who is this?"  
  
"The person who is coming to kill you. Don't forget to set your alarm," hissed the voice.  
  
"But I don't know HOW to set the alarm! That's like, not my job," squealed Legolas.  
  
"You're going to die tonight, Legolas." A clicking noise followed.  
  
"Wow, you sounded JUST LIKE a phone hanging up! Hello? Oh, you DID hang up!" said Legolas.  
  
"Who was that?" asked Merry, a hobbit who lived in The Shire with his best friend, Pippin, both of whom were also in the living room with Legolas, and a man named Boromir. They all lived together in the house of another hobbit named Frodo. Nobody knew why. They just did.  
  
"Oh, some guy who said he wanted to kill me tonight," said Legolas.  
  
"WHAT?" asked Merry.  
  
"What?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Didn't you watch Scream on DVD with us last night?" he asked.  
  
"Ya, but I wasn't like, paying ATTENTION or anything!" exclaimed Legolas.  
  
"Some guy wants to kill you, Legolas," explained Merry.  
  
"Who wants to kill Legolas?" asked Frodo, coming in to the room, his unnaturally blue eyes glancing piercingly from side to side.  
  
"Some guy just called me. He said he wanted to kill me," reported Legolas.  
  
"Like in Scream?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Ya. But I won't worry because he only killed people when they were alone," said Legolas.  
  
"Omigosh, I'm late for my date – I mean, my social engagement with Sam," exclaimed Frodo as he raced out the door.  
  
"Whoa, I have to go to gymnastics practice," said Boromir, leaving too.  
  
"My play rehearsal!" Merry left too.  
  
"I have a singing lesson!" said Pippin.  
  
"Wait! Take me with you!" cried Legolas. "Don't leave me alone in this house!"  
  
"But Leggy, they won't let you in," said Pippin.  
  
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeeeeeeee!" pleaded Legolas.  
  
"Well, I guess …" Pippin trailed off.  
  
"Thanks SO SO SO much!" exclaimed Legolas as he ran off to get his Gucci tunic.  
  
Sighing, Pippin left for his singing lesson.  
  
"La la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa," sang Legolas.  
  
"You have talent," said the teacher, who was none other than the famous Bilbo Baggins himself. "You have considered the singing lesson, no?"  
  
"Really!?" exclaimed Legolas. "I'd like, LOVE to take singing."  
  
The two boys walked home. On the way, they ran into Merry and Boromir.  
  
"Hey, what up guys?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Nothing much. Hey, look! Over there! Isn't that Frodo and Sam?" asked Boromir. It was, but everyone was soon regretting having looked. In fact, they were all pretty sure they had just witnessed something illegal. The violation of Police Code 311, to be exact. But anyway.  
  
"Let's go over and say hi!" exclaimed Legolas. He ran over to the couple, who had made themselves … presentable again. "HI HI HI HI HI!"  
  
They all came over and were soon chatting amiably, when Legolas began raising his hand. "Ummm, guys? Umm, like, GUYS?"  
  
"What?" asked Frodo, a little annoyed.  
  
"Umm, who's that guy coming up to us with that big knife and a mask?" Legolas asked confusedly.  
  
"Ahh!" Everyone else began screaming.  
  
"What?" asked Legolas.  
  
"That's the KILLER!" screamed Merry.  
  
"Omigosh! Wait, you're joking, right?" queried Legolas.  
  
"No!" exclaimed Merry as he began running down the block. Everybody but Legolas and Sam followed. He was staring, terrified, at the looming black figure.  
  
Suddenly, Sam was running too. So Legolas followed. But then the killer caught Sam! After briefly disposing of him, by first giving him a paper cut then scaring him to death by showing him a picture of George W. naked, he disappeared behind some bushes.  
  
The others heard Legolas scream, and ran over to where he stood.  
  
"No!" screamed Frodo when he came back and discovered Sam's body. He fell to his knees, and began sobbing.  
  
"Oh, Frodo, I am so sorry," said Boromir, coming over to hug the boy.  
  
"If somebody is after my ring of power, why not come after me? Why come after Sam?" he wailed.  
  
"You have a ring of power?" asked Pippin.  
  
"THE ring of power," responded Frodo.  
  
"Why didn't you tell us? We probably could have pawned it off and made some serious dough off of it," said Pippin.  
  
"You moron, you don't pawn off the ring of power, dude, we have to keep Sauron from getting it," said Frodo.  
  
"Is it a flying Sauron that we don't want to give the ring too?" asked Legolas.  
  
"You mean saucer," said Boromir. "Hey, can I have the ring?"  
  
"Dude, no," responded Frodo. The two then proceeded to get into a rather rowdy fight.  
  
"So anyway, Sam's body is lying here," said Merry.  
  
"This is awful! Terrible! The worst thing that's ever happened!" moaned Legolas.  
  
"Yes, I know. We will all suffer from Sam's demise," said Merry poetically.  
  
"I like, wasn't talking about THAT," said Legolas.  
  
"What then?" asked Merry.  
  
"The blood from Sam's paper cut totally stained by $900 Gucci tunic!" Legolas began to cry.  
  
"You're ticked because of the TUNIC?" asked Merry incredulously.  
  
"YES!" wept Legolas.  
  
"No time for tears," said Boromir, who had by now completed the fistfight, having roughed Frodo up a bit, but he had emerged without the ring.  
  
"Like, why NOT?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Because the killer is right behind you!" cried Boromir.  
  
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A/N: Sorry to leave it off at such and odd, and most likely frustrating conclusion, but my sister and I story-boarded the whole thing out already, so the plot is finished, but I'm too lazy to type it all up right now. Plus, the story did not have a really good breaking point in it, it contains a unity of time (go Aristotle!), which makes it difficult to divide, and again I apologize. In conclusion, this story is done as far as plot goes, so if you want to find out what happens, who lives, and who the killer is, review! Please? :) 


	2. Legolas and the Dry Cleaning Bill

Disclaimer: If only I owned them.  
  
A/N: Thank you:  
  
Achoo, Trinity, Darkmoon (sorry, in this one he actually isn't gay), thecoffeebringer (um, yes, it's exactly like a story/movie I once created, but it's still funny, right?), Nuriko Metallium (thank you for saying you liked it even if it's unbelievable) and to 'This Sucks' – Ooo, something new to light the candles for my romantic dinners with.  
  
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"Ahhh!" everyone screamed and turned to run. They ran right out of The Shire, unknowingly heading on the road to Bree. Soon, they came to a tall wall. It took everyone (especially Legolas) a long time to climb it, but they managed to, the killer still hot on their trail. They kept going until they realized that they were now inside of Bree. They stopped and checked into the Holiday Inn Bree. They all took one room. Nobody knows why. They just did.  
  
"Whew. That was close," said Merry.  
  
"That was like, way scary," said Legolas.  
  
"It's strange, but I can't help feeling like somebody else is in this room," said Boromir.  
  
"That is because I am in this room," said a tall man with dark hair that was actually a wig, even though he could have easily grown it that long. The others gasped.  
  
"Like, who are you?" asked Legolas.  
  
"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, owner of a broken sword that was not fixed before I used it in the movie," said the man. "I was running away from the killer when I found this hotel, and I've been here about a week."  
  
"Like, wow. A week? Wearing the same thing every day?" Legolas was amazed.  
  
"Are you the only other person here?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Yes. I've seen a couple of people being chased by that guy. You guys are lucky to get away, especially with five people," said Aragorn.  
  
"I am like, so cheesed. That guy got blood on my tunic. I'm going to make him pay my dry cleaning bill," said Legolas, oblivious to the danger they were all in.  
  
"I think we should be getting to bed. There are some leaves in the back that are okay to sleep on," said Aragorn.  
  
"LEAVES?!?" yelled Legolas. "You have no idea what I've been through, and now you want me to sleep on LEAVES?"  
  
"You're an elf. Get over it," said Frodo.  
  
"Would you rather sleep on leaves or the hard, muddy floor?" asked Merry.  
  
"Ooo, me first!" squealed Legolas.  
  
"Why aren't there any beds if this is a hotel room?" asked Pippin.  
  
"There just aren't," said Aragorn.  
  
The next morning when they woke up, Legolas began to protest when Aragorn announced that they should probably be getting on their way.  
  
"But I can't wear the same thing TWICE," he said.  
  
"You have nothing else to wear," said Aragorn.  
  
"Oh, like, fine," pouted Legolas. "Ma solo perché io sono una Guchacha."  
  
Aragorn looked confused.  
  
"That's the only foreign language Legolas knows," reported Pippin. "It means 'But only because I am a Guchacha' in Italian."  
  
He looked confused again.  
  
"A loyal Gucci fan," said Boromir.  
  
Merry thought it was lucky that Legolas had worn his Gucci tunic, otherwise he never would have agreed.  
  
"Ring, ring," went Merry's cell phone.  
  
"Hello?" asked Merry.  
  
"Hello, Meriadoc," said a voice.  
  
"What do you want?" asked Merry.  
  
"I want to kill you. You're going to die tonight," said the voice, with a follow-up of a clicking noise.  
  
"It was him," said Merry. "I'm going outside."  
  
"Okay," said Pippin.  
  
"Ring, ring," went Legolas' cell phone.  
  
"Hello, like, Legolas speaking."  
  
"Hello, Legolas. I can see you now. In a hotel room."  
  
"I have, like, a pick to bone with you," said Legolas. "You got blood all over my $900 Gucci tunic. Will you give me your address so I can send you the dry cleaning bill?"  
  
"You're going to die tonight, Legolas."  
  
"Umm … No?" said Legolas. "Well, anyway, what's your address?"  
  
"Are you prepared to die, Legolas?"  
  
"Hello! I, like, already ANSWERED that question! So give me your address. And order me a pizza while you're at it. I'm starved!"  
  
The killer hung up the phone.  
  
Legolas Star 69'd him. "Don't you hang up on me ~or I'll gut you like a little fish~" hissed Legolas.  
  
"Legolas!" everyone exclaimed.  
  
"Omigosh, I'm like so sorry!" apologized Legolas. "I don't know WHAT came over me. Maybe I was a psycho in another life!"  
  
The killer once again hung up the phone.  
  
So Legolas Star 69'd him again. But this time, he got his machine! The message went something like:  
  
~This isn't the machine of a guy named Miller  
  
This is the machine of your local killer  
  
If you don't leave a message after the tone  
  
I'll kill you next time you're alone  
  
It is you I want to kill  
  
And Legolas, I'm not paying your dry cleaning bill~  
  
"How rude!" said Legolas. "Hi!" he said into the machine. "This is like, Legolas. And I cannot believe you put me on your machine! Don't you have any friends or anything? Omigosh, you don't have any friends, do you? I'll be your friend! Just open up! I'll be there for you!  
  
"But yeah, anyway, how about that address? And that pizza? Do you have any idea how much dry cleaning costs these days? Honestly. I had this one girlfriend, and she never paid dry cleaning bills either …" Legolas went on and on, taking up the rest of the tape!  
  
He finished his conversation.  
  
"Sometimes I think I might be a gecko, but other times I swear I'm psychic," said Aragorn. "Can I have three guesses as to what you'll say next, Legolas?"  
  
"Umm, like, okay," said Legolas.  
  
"One: That guy didn't pay my dry cleaning bill yet!"  
  
"Oh, I SHOULD say that!" murmured Legolas to himself.  
  
"Two: Where's that pizza?"  
  
"Normally, I would say that," agreed Legolas.  
  
"It's neither of those? Well, then how about three: Omigosh, the killer is right behind you Aragorn!"  
  
"Yup, that's what I'd be saying now," said Legolas.  
  
"WHAT?" screamed Aragorn as he turned around in fear.  
  
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A/N: Another annoying place, I know. But what can you do when you've got to read the entirety of The Tempest and you simply have no more time to type? 


	3. A New Millenium - Evles Are In!

Disclaimer: Any and all LotR characters do not belong to me. I do not own Mandé either, but I don't think she will mind if I borrow her. :)  
  
A/N: Thank you  
  
Darkmoon, Lady Amulan, T'girl and thecoffeebringer  
  
A/N#2: Legolas is not gay in this story. I realize he comes across as being rather … feminine, but it's just his blondeness. Really. :)  
  
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"Just kidding!" laughed Legolas.  
  
"Legolas!" the others exclaimed.  
  
"Like, WHAT?" he asked.  
  
"He wasn't THERE on the phone when you called?" asked Aragorn nervously.  
  
"Ya, so?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Oh no! That probably means he's coming to kill us right now!" cried Aragorn.  
  
"But he doesn't know where we are!" exclaimed Legolas. Just then, his cell phone rang.  
  
"Hi!" exclaimed Legolas.  
  
"You're in a hotel. I'll be there soon," said the killer.  
  
"Okay, bye," said Legolas. "That was the killer," he reported. "He said he'll be here soon."  
  
"Ahhh!" everyone screamed.  
  
"What?" asked Legolas.  
  
"He's coming HERE! To kill us! Run, everybody!" screamed Aragorn.  
  
Finally Legolas realized what was going on, and he started running and screaming too. But everyone stopped short when they came outside. There lay Merry's body, quite dead, with a rubber chicken lying suspiciously nearby. Aragorn ran into the bushes to throw up.  
  
"That was way rude," murmured Legolas.  
  
After a few moments, they remembered their danger and began running away from the hotel, and out of Bree. They had just reached a rather large hilltop when the killer suddenly appeared, right behind them! They ran as fast as they could, but Pippin tripped. The killer was on top of him, in a completely non-homosexual way! Pippin struggled, and kicked the killer in a, um, sensitive area. He dropped to his knees, but Pippin wasn't fast enough. He was on him again. Legolas noticed and screamed, and everyone began running back. By the time they got there, he was already dead, a protractor gleaming not quite innocently next to the body.  
  
Everybody began running. They were trying to outrun their pain and anger, but yeah. They didn't. They soon found themselves outside the house of Elrond, or, the Love Shack of the Elf with Butterfly Hair Clips. Frodo looked around, and then screamed.  
  
"Like, what is your PROB, Frodo?" asked Legolas.  
  
"The tree … Gandalf …" Frodo covered his mouth and stepped backwards.  
  
Everybody turned to look at the tree on Elrond's front lawn. Legolas noticed Gandalf's body in the tree. He just didn't notice the dead part.  
  
"Oh Gandalf!" Legolas crowed. "You just have to take me to get highlights done this weekend. I am totally sick of being a pure platinum." Legolas looked expectantly at Gandalf. "Gandalf? GANDALF? I'll, like, get naked," he offered.  
  
"YES IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS SANCTIMONIOUS TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!" screamed Mandé, Legolas' FanGirl.  
  
"Umm, how about no," said Boromir. With that being said, he proceeded to climb into the tree and pretend to be Gandalf.  
  
"Yes, yes, I'll take you to get highlights done," said "Gandalf."  
  
"Come on. Let's get out of here," said Frodo.  
  
"Good idea," said Aragorn.  
  
So they started to run again, for what seemed like hours. Soon, they came to the Mines of Moria. They took shelter inside one of the catacombs, because there was no password, because this story really in no way follows the book.  
  
Legolas' cell phone began ringing.  
  
"'Lo?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Hello, Legolas."  
  
"You meanie, I CANNOT believe that you just killed Pippin, Merry and Gandalf! You are a MO-RON! I will NEVER consider dating you ever again."  
  
"But Legolas isn't gay," said Boromir.  
  
"Yes, but do you think he realizes that the person he is talking to isn't a girl?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"Probably not," said Boromir.  
  
"I can see you. You're going to die tonight, Legolas," said the killer.  
  
"Oh, like really? Can you see the stain on my $900 Gucci tunic? Give me your address! And where's that pizza?"  
  
"Yes, I can see you. You are in the Mines of Moria," he said.  
  
"Well, can you see what I'm doing now?" asked Legolas, flashing the phone.  
  
"You're flashing the phone, Legolas. You're going to die tonight."  
  
"Wait, how old are you?" asked Legolas nervously.  
  
"I'm not telling you."  
  
"Well, are you over 4,287?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are you under, ummm, 18?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Okay, good," said Legolas.  
  
"You're going to die tonight, Legolas."  
  
"You keep saying that. Is this, like, a recording or something?" asked Legolas.  
  
"You're going to die tonight, Legolas."  
  
"Omigosh, this is a recording!" cried Legolas. She looked over to the corner of the catacomb, where she discovered a tape recorder. "I can't believe I almost had phone sex with a tape recorder!"  
  
"How did he know Legolas was going to flash the phone?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"Legolas is so predictable," responded Frodo.  
  
The cell phone began ringing again.  
  
"Hello, Legolas."  
  
"You know what? I'm cheesed now. Give me your address. I'll order the pizza myself. This is a new millenium and pointy ears are IN! So I'm going to take my liberties and order my own pizza!" he hung up the phone angrily.  
  
He then dialed Domino's delivery and put in an order for an extra large triple cheese pizza with anchovies. "Hmph. That should show him," declared Legolas. The others looked skeptical. They really didn't think that the killer would care if Legolas ordered his own pizza.  
  
"Ring, ring," went Legolas' cell phone.  
  
He picked it up. "Hi! Legolas speaking."  
  
"You're going to die tonight, Legolas," said the killer.  
  
"Umm, like, no. I've think we've been through this enough times to know that I am NOT going to die tonight. You're just trying to make yourself feel better."  
  
"You will die soon. I am coming to get you."  
  
"Like, I feel for you. I can sign you up for a class that will help you cope with those feelings. You just have to, like, give me your name."  
  
"Shut up, Legolas. You're going to die, and you know it."  
  
"Am not. Just give me your name and I'll sign you up for a class that can help. The sessions are usually on Tuesdays and Fridays from one o'clock to four o'clock, but if that's bad for you there are other sessions on-"  
  
Legolas was cut off by the killer's angry voice. "I don't need a stupid counseling session. I'm fine. You're going to die tonight. You should be worried about yourself." With that, the killer hung up.  
  
"Like how rude," said Legolas. "I'll just have to call him back and teach him a lesson." Legolas dialed his number, only to hear:  
  
~This isn't the machine of a guy named Miller  
  
This is the machine of your local killer  
  
If you don't leave a message after the tone  
  
I'll kill you next time you're alone  
  
It is you I want to kill  
  
And Legolas, I'm not paying your dry cleaning bill~  
  
"Dang, I like, got his machine," said Legolas angrily.  
  
"Wait, if you got his machine, that means he's coming out to kill us!" Aragorn said.  
  
"We should get out of here," said Frodo.  
  
"Good idea," said Boromir.  
  
"Wait!!!!!" screeched Legolas. "I want to sign the killer up for those counseling classes. It'll take like, two seconds," he guessed. He dialed the number.  
  
"Hello? Hi, my name is Legolas and I'd like to sign my friend up for a counseling class. What's his name? I don't know. But he's an insane psychopathic killer and I thought he needed guidance. Tuesday and Friday from one to four? Great. I'll tell him. Thanks. 'Bye!" Legolas hung up the phone. "See? All done. Now, don't you feel good about yourself?"  
  
"We should be getting out of here," said Frodo nervously.  
  
"Yeah," agreed Aragorn.  
  
They all exited the Mines and began to run.  
  
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A/N: Another not so good place, I know. You'd think after three chapters I'd have figured this out by now. Guess not. Review anyway, please? 


	4. More Psychic Dis-Abilities

Disclaimer: Characters … are not mine, Scream … is not mine, plot … is 50% mine. Not a bad deal.  
  
Thank you: mandé (as usual, thank you), Darkmoon (no, "accidents" happen), :), AJ Matthews, koolallie (grazie), Sera (I didn't mean to do that, he's just so effeminate ( and no, this doesn't actually follow … anything), and Prisca. Thanks x 1 million!  
  
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"Why don't you call 911?" panted Boromir.  
  
"Like, good idea," said Legolas. He picked up his cell phone and dialed 911.  
  
"Hello? 911 Emergency Service," said an effeminate, however masculine, voice.  
  
"Like, hi! My name is Legolas, and me and my friends are running away from this killer guy, you know, like in Scream?" said Legolas.  
  
"You're kidding! Where are you? How far away is he?"  
  
"I can only answer one question at a time!" Legolas whined.  
  
"Okay, okay! Where are you?"  
  
"Ummmmm … here comes a street sign … Woods of Lothlòrien?"  
  
"Okay, we'll send a squad car right over! How far away is he?" asked the 911 guy.  
  
"Oh, wow, I'm like the I worst I/ judge of differences … Frodo, how far away do you think he is? … two and a half blocks," reported Legolas.  
  
"Blocks? Since when did we measure distances in forests by blocks?" wondered Boromir aloud.  
  
"That's IT? Run fast!" he exclaimed. "We'll have the car over there in about five minutes."  
  
"Well, if we're going to be talking to one another," began Legolas, "what's your name?"  
  
"Uhhh … Gimli," said the 911 guy.  
  
"Okay, like, HI, Gimli! It's so good to talk to you! We haven't spoken in, like, AGES!"  
  
"Okaaaay," Gimli mumbled. "Look, Legolas, stay somewhere where we can find you."  
  
"Okay, we'll be on Galadriel's porch."  
  
"Well, why don't you go inside?"  
  
"Because if he's inside, he'll kill us!" whimpered Legolas. "So we'll wait on the porch."  
  
"But don't you think if he's so close to you, he'll kill you if you wait on the porch?"  
  
"Okay then, we'll go inside!"  
  
"No, Legolas! Just keep running!" Gimli said, fearing that it was already too late.  
  
"Oh, FYI, he's TWO blocks away now," said Legolas.  
  
"Run, Legolas!" said Gimli.  
  
"I am," said Legolas. "So, like, when's this cop car coming?"  
  
"3½ minutes."  
  
"Okay, he's 1½ blocks away now," said Legolas.  
  
"Run, Legolas!" Gimli shouted.  
  
"I AM running! Look, if this friendship is going to last, you have to stop assuming what I am and am not doing, okay?"  
  
"Uhh, sure Legolas. 2 minutes," Gimli reported.  
  
"1 block," responded Legolas.  
  
"RUN LEGOLAS!"  
  
"I AM! STOP ASSUMING THINGS!!!!"  
  
"All right, Legolas. Just stay calm and keep running. 30 seconds!"  
  
"Like, half a block," said Legolas, oblivious to his danger. Just then, two squad cars came screaming up.  
  
"Get in!" yelled the cops driving them.  
  
Aragorn and Boromir got in one car, and Legolas and Frodo got in the other.  
  
"This is TOO weird," said Boromir as they began to drive off.  
  
"No kidding," seconded Aragorn.  
  
In the other car, Legolas was saying: "Wait? Where is he? I want to be SURE he saw the stain on this $900 Gucci tunic!"  
  
Suddenly, Aragorn and Boromir's car stopped short. The killer had leapt onto the roof of the car! The men screamed like little girls. A hand reached out from the killer's robe, holding a Boogey Bass®. The bass shot through the side window of the car, killing the driver!  
  
Aragorn and Boromir tried to force open the car doors. But since it was a cop car, the door refused to budge. They screamed girlishly again as the killer stared right at them. They froze under his icy gaze.  
  
Then, in one swift motion, with the assistance of his partners in crime (the Bohemian Monkey Guerilla Group), he set the auto-destruct on the car, leapt out and slammed and locked the car door!  
  
"Ahhh!" screamed Boromir.  
  
"How do you turn off the auto-destruct?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"You don't!" responded Boromir.  
  
While Aragorn tried to break open the door, Boromir tried to get through the plastic divider. Both were unsuccessful. The auto-destruct was counting down … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 …  
  
The car blew up.  
  
"Wow, is it the Fourth of July already?" asked Legolas.  
  
"No, that was the other car blowing up! Besides, you don't celebrate the Fourth of July!" screamed Frodo.  
  
"So? What's that mean?" asked Legolas, indicating the ball of fire that used to be a car.  
  
"It mean that Aragorn and Boromir are dead!"  
  
"Omigosh, how RUDE!" exclaimed Legolas.  
  
The cop driving their car sped up, and made it back to base in record time. The female cop led the two males into the headquarters, unaware that the killer had followed them in …  
  
"Ummm, I need to use the little elves' room," said Legolas.  
  
"Right NOW?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Yesssssss!" whined Legolas, visibly holding it in. The cop showed him to the bathroom, and Legolas happily went inside.  
  
While he was inside, Frodo asked the cop about a strange looking ring. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that ring was the One Ring. What IS it?" he asked.  
  
The cop smiled. "That's our new high-tech weapon, the King Ring Stun Gun 1000." She put the ring on her finger, and out popped a small trigger. The cop loaded the ring with two pellets of old fish food, took aim, and fired a shot, perfectly hitting the center of a bullseye.  
  
"Wow," said Frodo, impressed. "I'm impressed." The cop put the ring back on her desk after pushing the trigger back in.  
  
"I'm back!" announced Legolas.  
  
"Okay, Leggy. I think some of Aragorn's psychic powers wore off on me, so I'm going to guess what you're going to say next."  
  
"Umm … Okay, but Frodo …"  
  
"Okay one: That guy didn't pay my dry cleaning bill yet."  
  
"Well, that doesn't really matter right now …"  
  
"Okay, two: Where is that pizza?"  
  
"Umm … Frodo …"  
  
"None of those? Okay, well, how about three: The killer is right behind you, Frodo!"  
  
"YA!" said Legolas.  
  
Frodo screamed and turned around, right onto the killer's Hello Kitty® doll. He dropped to the floor, dead. Legolas stared with his mouth open in indignation.  
  
"That was way rude!" he exclaimed. The cop charged the killer, but was stopped short by some other incongruous object that one wouldn't normally assume causes fatalities. Legolas found himself alone in the room with the killer.  
  
The killer came slowly towards Legolas. You could almost hear him smiling behind his mask. Legolas backed up against the cop's desk. He accidentally knocked his hand against the ring.  
  
"Isn't this Frodo's?" he wondered aloud.  
  
"Do you honestly think that will stop me? For too long, you've stolen the movie. I should be the star, not you. Well, blondie, your days are numbered. You're going to die tonight," said the killer. Where had Legolas heard that voice before?  
  
Legolas accidentally slipped the ring onto his finger, causing the trigger to pop out. The killer was less than five feet away!  
  
"What's this do?" he asked aloud, pulling the trigger. The single pellet of old fish food flew out of the ring and landed straight in the killer's heart. He fell down, dead, the razor he had been planning to use on Legolas' hair still in his hand.  
  
"Omigosh!" said Legolas. He cautiously bent forward. "Eww," he mumbled, staring at the body. But then … brainstorm! Legolas decided to unmask the killer! He carefully reached his hand forward and pulled off the mask …  
  
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TBC, Mwa ha ha ha ha! 


	5. Highlights, Yay or Nay?

Disclaimer: Oh, if only.  
  
A/N: For anyone who is looking for point, purpose, reason, or anything like that, then you might have come to the wrong story. Well, here's the ending. Did I fool anybody? ( And yes, I do realize that referred to Legolas as "she". I didn't mean to do that, and admittedly there is a whole psychology that explains why I missed it, but it's rather long, and boring. Therefore, I have decided to just leave it in. It gives the story … character. (  
  
Thank you X 1 million: Phoenix, thecoffeebringer (as usual), Weaver, and thanks X 3 million to the very cool Lady Amulan. You guys are awesome.  
  
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"Gandalf?" asked Legolas. "You're the killer? Wait a second!" he cried. "Does this mean that I'm NOT getting those highlights done?"  
  
The End 


End file.
